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Coping with Anxiety
While anxiety symptoms vary widely, the chances are that at some point you've experienced occasional physical and emotional distress signals such as panicky breathing, your heart pounding in your chest, trouble sleeping, feelings of dread, or even loops of worry. While uncomfortable, it is normal.
By itself, anxiety isn't a problem. Anxiety isn't something to get rid of completely. It's a normal part of being human. Our nervous system is designed to notice danger and prepare us to respond to fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Sometimes, though, that alarm system becomes overprotective and starts responding even when we are safe.
A touch of healthy anxiety can encourage you to get to work on time, push you to study hard for an exam, or discourage you from wandering dark streets alone.
However, that fight, flight, freeze or fawn response may at times trigger an urge to avoid and escape, which is often simply not an option. When we enter such settings, our thoughts can begin to race with imagined catastrophic outcomes. We often experience one or more uncomfortable and distressing physical symptoms, including sweating palms, heart palpitations, increasing muscle tension, and/or shortness of breath.
When this happens, we have two clear choices: stay and ride out our anxieties, or remove ourselves from the situation, therefore avoiding whatever is causing discomfort in the moment.
Avoiding avoidance
The key to managing anxiety is to avoid avoidance, which diminishes our courage, choices, and faith in ourselves. When we choose to sit with, rather than avoid, uncomfortable situations and settings, it helps to increase our self-esteem, resilience, and confidence in our skill sets and abilities to handle challenging situations and scenarios.
5 Steps to Help Recognize Anxiety and Ride Out Uncomfortable Emotions:
Acknowledge feelings and symptoms of anxiety when they show up.
Bring awareness to your physical symptoms, negative thoughts, and your urge to escape dreaded, challenging, and uncomfortable situations or settings.
Identify anticipatory thoughts before and during periods of stress and anxiety. Journaling can be helpful with this.
Challenge negative thoughts and cognitive distortions, and replace them with more accurate and supportive ones. For example, feeling like you are unable to join a group you would like to because you have no experience, but everyone starts somewhere and the group is open for beginners as well as more experienced people.
Take action to reconnect with yourself through your senses. Tune in to a calming sound in your environment. Feel the texture or warmth of a cool surface or soft fabric. Enjoy the taste of a cool, refreshing drink. Take some deep breaths.
Riding out uncomfortable situations
Staying present and riding out moments of physical and emotional distress involves bringing awareness to and acknowledging our physical symptoms and negative thoughts, and resisting the urge to escape.
By staying aware, alert, and present in the moment, we can take steps to ground ourselves and connect to our inner strengths through our senses. Recent studies show that focusing on one or more pleasant multisensory experiences, including sight, sound, scent, touch, or taste, lowers symptoms of anxiety. Try one of the following exercises the next time you are feeling anxious:
Look around you, can you notice 5 thing you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste.
Try focusing on a calming piece of art, a stunning flower arrangement, or a breathtaking view of nature, feeling the cool surface of a marble tabletop, listening to a calming melody, or focusing on a pleasant aroma.
Look at one thing in great detail. Watch at the way it moves, how it feels if you can touch it, the colours, textures and tone of the object.
A breathing exercise can also be helpful, for example breathe in for a count of 4, hold your breath for 2 and breathe out for a count of 6. Repeat this 2-3 times.
These exercises can calm negative thoughts and physical symptoms while grounding us and helping us stay present in the moment. Through engaging in sensory grounding techniques, we enable ourselves to remain present.
As we become present, our negative thoughts and unpleasant physical symptoms become less intrusive and distressing. Soon, we are able to be fully present, and able to perform, interact, and cope in our feared setting.
What is an anxiety disorder?
However, at times the systems underlying our anxiety responses get dysregulated, so that we overreact or react to the wrong situations. Severity of symptoms and a person's ability to cope separate everyday worries or anxious moments from anxiety disorders.
If anxiety is persistent, excessive, or routinely triggered by situations that aren't an actual threat, tell your doctor, who can discuss treatment options or refer you to an experienced mental health professional.
Types of anxiety disorder
As with every health issue, an accurate diagnosis is essential. A few common anxiety disorders include:
Generalized anxiety disorder: A pattern of excessive worry about a variety of issues on most days for at least six months, often accompanied by physical symptoms, such as muscle tension, a hammering heart, or dizziness.
Social anxiety disorder: Feeling significant anxiety in social situations or when called on to perform in front of others, such as in public speaking.
Phobias: A particular animal, insect, object, or situation causes substantial anxiety.
Panic disorder: Panic attacks are sudden, intense episodes of heart-banging fear, breathlessness, and dread. It's the feeling you'd have if you just missed being hit by a truck — but for people with panic disorder there is no truck.
Effective treatments for anxiety
Treatment is tailored to the diagnosis. Effective options include:
Lifestyle changes, such as skipping caffeine, exercising regularly, and avoiding medicines or substances that might cause anxiety symptoms.
Mind-body approaches, such as deep breathing, meditation, mindfulness, and techniques to ease muscle tension and promote calm.
Psychotherapy, such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and exposure therapy. CBT teaches people to challenge and reframe distorted or unhelpful anxious thinking, because thoughts influence feelings and actions. Exposure therapy helps people tolerate and calm anxiety by gradually exposing a person to feared situations or objects under guidance from a therapist.
Medicines, as prescribed by a GP.
Often, a combination of approaches is best. Relieving anxiety with medicine while using CBT or exposure therapy to strengthen coping skills and help retrain the brain can do much to make anxiety manageable.
If this reflection resonated with you and you'd like a space to explore these experiences more deeply, you're very welcome to get in touch.
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Urgent Support & Helpful Services
Sometimes we all need a little extra support.
Whether you're experiencing a mental health crisis, supporting someone you care about, or simply don't know where to turn next, these organisations offer specialist help across Ireland.
If you are in immediate danger, or feel unable to keep yourself safe, please call 999 or 112 or attend your nearest Emergency Department.
If you feel safe for now but urgently need support:
Contact your GP to arrange an urgent appointment.
If it’s outside regular hours, reach out to your local out-of-hours GP service.
Here are some of the key services you can reach out to:
Samaritans: Offers 24-hour confidential, non-judgmental support. You can contact them at 116 123 or text 087 2 60 90 90.
Pieta House: Provides 24-hour crisis support and information for those in mental health distress. You can reach them at 1800 247 247.
Aware: Offers support for anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder. You can contact them at 1800 80 48 48.
HSE Mental Health Services: provides a wide range of mental health services in Ireland, including crisis support, counselling, community-based care, and mental health promotion initiatives. Contact them on: 1800 111 888 or www.hse.ie/mentalhealth
Text About It: Provides a free service 24 hours a day. It offers everything from a calming chat to immediate support for your mental health and emotional wellbeing. Free-text: HELLO to 50808 for an anonymous chat with a trained volunteer, any time.
Grow Mental Health: Free Mental Health Support from a community of people drawn together by their first-hand experiences of overcoming mental health challenges. Phone them at: 0818 474 474
Support for Eating Disorders:
Bodywhys: Supports individuals affected by eating disorders. You can contact them at 01 2834963.
CAREDS Cork & Kerry: CAREDS is an outpatient service based in Cork for young people who have an eating disorder in Cork and Kerry. Contact them on: 021 465 9702
Eating Disorders Centre Cork (EDCC): provide compassionate and professional support to those suffering from an eating disorder, and their carers. Contact them at: 021 453 9900 / 085 245 1401
Support for Young People:
CAMHS: Provides assessment and treatment for young people and their families experiencing mental health difficulties. You need a referral from your GP to access CAMHS services.
Childline: Provides a safe space for children to get in touch anonymously for support, advice and guidance on the various issues they may be facing. You can contact them at freephone 1800 666 666 or www.childline.ie to chat online anytime.
Jigsaw: Provide free mental health support to young people and their families. Contact them on: 01 472 7010
Barnardos Helpline: Barnardos is a children's charity that protects and supports children and young people in Ireland Contact them on: 021 473 2110
Youth Health Services: offer a range of support and resources for young people, focusing on mental health, sexual health, and overall wellbeing. Contact them on: 021 493 7250
Insight Matters: offers mental health and holistic services for children, adolescents and adults. Contact them on: 01 891 0703
Matt Talbott Services: is a free and Confidential Service for young people and their families who are experiencing drug and alcohol problems. Contact them on:021 489 6400
Support for online safety
Cyberkids Online Safety: provide practical, impactful solutions to ensure parents and children have the tools they need to stay safe online. Contact them on: 01 582 542
Support for Victims of Domestic Violence:
Women’s Aid: Women's Aid offers various support services for women experiencing domestic violence and abuse in Ireland. Freephone: 1800 341 900
Safe Ireland: Safe Ireland works to end domestic, sexual and gender-based violence in Ireland. Get support, learn about our services and join efforts to create safer communities.www.safeireland.ie
The OSS Cork: provide a non-judgemental support service to all adult victims of domestic abuse in Cork city and county. Freephone: 1800 497 497
Rape Crisis Network Ireland (RCNI): work with people who have experienced sexual assault, rape or childhood sexual abuse. Freephone: 1800 778 888
Men’s Aid Ireland: Men's Aid is a dedicated organization providing confidential support, counselling, and advocacy for men affected by domestic abuse and related issues. Contact them on: 01 554 3811
West Cork Beacon: West Cork Beacon provides a safe, confidential, non-judgemental, trauma informed, free support service for women experiencing domestic abuse and for anyone experiencing sexual violence. Freephone: 1800 203 136
Addiction Services
Gamblers Anonymous (Cork): Gamblers Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from a gambling problem. Contact them on:087 285 9552
Alcoholics Anonymous (AA): provides support for men and women seeking to stop using alcohol, with meetings available across the country in-person, online, or hybrid formats. Contact them on: 01 842 0700 www.alcoholicsanonymous.ie
Narcotics Anonymous Ireland: provides free, peer-supported recovery programs for anyone seeking to stop using drugs, with meetings available across the country in-person, online, or hybrid formats. Contact them on: 01 672 8000
Tabor Lodge Belgooly: is a Residential Addiction Treatment Centre providing support for men and women over 18 who are impacted by alcohol, drug, and gambling addictions.021 488 7110
Arbour House, Cork: provides outpatient substance and alcohol-misuse services for adults. Contact them at:021 496 8933
Matt Talbott Services: is a free and Confidential Service for young people and their families who are experiencing drug and alcohol problems. Contact them on:021 489 6400
Support for LGBTQ+ Community
LGBT Ireland: is a network of local LGBT helplines that offers support and information on sexuality and gender identity issues. Contact them on:1800 929 539
Belong To: is a national organisation that provides chat, counselling and drug and alcohol support for LGBTQ+ young people aged 14-24. Contact them on: 01 670 6223
Support for Older People
ALONE: work with all older people, including those who are lonely, isolated, frail or ill, homeless, living in poverty, or are facing other difficulties. Contact them on: 0818 222 024
Support for Parents
Parentline: is a free counseling and support service for parents and caregivers. Contact them on: 01 873 3500
One Family: provide support for those parenting alone, sharing parenting or parenting through separation. Contact them on: 0818 662 212 / 01 662 9212
Young Parents Support Programme (YPSP): is a support service for young mothers, fathers and their families from pregnancy and right through the first 1000 days of the child’s life. Contact them at: info@youngparents.iewww.youngparents.ie
If this reflection resonated with you and you'd like a space to explore these experiences more deeply, you're very welcome to get in touch.
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Mindfulness and Rest
When was the last time you truly rested? Not just slept. Not watched television while scrolling your phone. Not rushed through a day off trying to catch up.
Real rest.
The kind that allows your body to soften and your mind to stop bracing for what's next.
Many of us have forgotten what that feels like. These days it seems as though we are always “on”; we are so easily contactable, and let’s face it, our phones are always within reach. However, taking the time to rest can often feel uncomfortable for us – it somehow feels selfish and we often feel guilty for doing so. But incorporating rest into routines isn't indulgent; it's essential for optimal functioning. We often think of rest as something we have to earn. Yet our minds and bodies need regular periods of rest to recover from the demands of everyday life. When we allow ourselves to slow down, we give our nervous system a chance to settle, our thoughts become clearer, and we create space for creativity, reflection and problem-solving.
In other words, rest isn't time wasted—it's an essential part of looking after ourselves.
The good news is that mindfulness and rest allow you to recharge and reconnect with yourself. Here are some simple practices that you can do today.
Mindfulness is simply the practice of noticing the present moment with curiosity rather than judgement. It doesn't mean emptying your mind or always feeling calm. Instead, it invites us to slow down, become aware of our thoughts, emotions and bodily sensations, and gently return our attention to the here and now whenever our minds wander. Mindfulness can be practiced through various techniques, such as meditation, deep breathing, and mindful observation of daily activities.
The R.E.S.T. Practice
If you're not sure where to begin, the R.E.S.T. framework offers one gentle way of slowing down.
The R.E.S.T. framework offers a structured approach to integrating mindfulness and rest into daily life. It consists of four pillars:
Relax your attention: Allow your focus to rest naturally without forcing it on any particular thought or task.
Exhale all striving: Release the pressure to be productive and embrace a state of emptiness.
Sense the silence: Create space for stillness and surrender to the present moment.
Tune in to awareness: Trust in your inherent ability to be aware and present.
The Benefits of Mindful Rest
Engaging in mindful rest can lead to numerous benefits, including:
Feeling calmer and less overwhelmed.
Finding it easier to concentrate.
Responding rather than reacting.
Sleeping more deeply.
Feeling more connected to yourself.
Practical Tips for Incorporating Mindfulness and Rest
Set Aside Time for Mindful Breaks: Schedule regular intervals throughout your day to practice mindful rest, even if it's just for a few minutes.
Engage in Mindful Activities: Try activities like mindful walking, journaling, or simply sitting in silence to cultivate awareness and relaxation.
Create a Restful Environment: Designate a space in your home where you can retreat for mindful rest, free from distractions and interruptions.
By embracing mindfulness and rest as integral parts of your daily routine, you can foster a deeper sense of well-being and resilience in the face of life's challenges.
If resting feels difficult, you're not alone. Many of us have learned to keep going, even when we're exhausted.
Perhaps today doesn't have to be about doing more.
Perhaps it's simply about giving yourself permission to pause.
If this reflection resonated with you and you'd like a space to explore these experiences more deeply, you're very welcome to get in touch.
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What is matrescence?
You prepare for the baby.
You think about the birth, the feeding, the sleep, the nappies, the clothes, the buggy, the car seat and all the practical things that come with bringing a baby into the world.
But we don't always talk enough about what happens to you.
Becoming a mother can change how you see yourself, your relationships, your body, your priorities and even your place in the world. You can love your baby deeply and still miss parts of the person you were before. You can feel grateful and overwhelmed. Happy and lonely. More like yourself than ever in some ways, and completely unfamiliar to yourself in others.
There is a word for this transition: matrescence.
The term matrescence was first coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s and describes the process of becoming a mother.
It can be helpful to think about matrescence in a similar way to adolescence. We understand adolescence as a significant developmental transition involving enormous physical, emotional, psychological and social change. We don't expect a young person to wake up one morning having effortlessly adjusted to an entirely new stage of life.
Motherhood can involve an equally significant transition.
Your body may change. Your hormones change. Your relationships, routines, priorities and responsibilities can change. Your relationship with work may change. Even the way you think about your own childhood and how you were parented can change.
And somewhere amongst all of that, a new identity is developing too:
You are becoming a mother.
That doesn't happen overnight.
"Nobody told me it would feel like this"
One of the most difficult parts of early motherhood can be the gap between how we imagined it would feel and how it actually feels.
Perhaps you expected to feel an immediate overwhelming bond with your baby. Perhaps you thought you would enjoy maternity leave more. Perhaps you imagined yourself feeling instinctively confident. Perhaps you thought you would still feel like you, just with a baby added into your life.
And then reality arrives.
Sleep deprivation. Responsibility. Feeding. Recovery from birth. Worry. Changes in your relationship. Less freedom. A body that may feel unfamiliar. Days that can somehow feel incredibly full and incredibly lonely at the same time.
When reality doesn't match the picture we had in our minds, it can be very easy to conclude:
"There must be something wrong with me."
But struggling with such an enormous transition doesn't automatically mean something has gone wrong.
Sometimes it means something enormous has happened.
The "shoulds" of motherhood
Motherhood seems to come with an extraordinary number of invisible rules.
I should be enjoying this more.
I should have bonded immediately.
I should know what my baby needs.
I should be coping better.
I should be grateful.
I should have taken to this naturally.
These "shoulds" don't appear from nowhere. We absorb messages throughout our lives about what a "good mother" looks like. When our real experience doesn't match that image, shame and guilt can creep in.
Instead of asking, "Is motherhood incredibly difficult right now?", we can begin asking, "Why am I finding motherhood so difficult when everyone else seems to manage it?"
When everyone else seems to be coping
Comparison can become particularly painful during matrescence.
You might look around a baby group and see another mother who seems completely at ease. You might scroll through Instagram and see smiling babies, tidy houses, coffee dates and mothers who appear to have somehow returned seamlessly to their old lives.
But we tend to compare our internal world with somebody else's external presentation.
You know about your worry, self-doubt, tears, arguments and difficult nights. You don't necessarily see any of theirs.
And that is rarely a fair comparison.
You don't have to "bounce back"
There can also be enormous pressure for women to return quickly to who they were before having a baby.
Getting your body "back". Returning to work. Getting back into a routine. Getting back to normal. Getting back to yourself.
But what if becoming a mother isn't about getting back to who you were?
What if it is partly about getting to know who you are now?
The idea of "bouncing back" can minimise just how significant the transition into motherhood is. Your baby may have been born in a moment, but your identity as a mother continues to develop over time.
There is no deadline by which you should have motherhood figured out.
Success in motherhood is not measured by how unchanged you managed to remain.
You can love motherhood and grieve your old life
Seemingly contradictory feelings can exist together.
You can love your baby and miss your old life.
You can desperately want to be a mother and find motherhood incredibly hard.
You can feel grateful and still need a break.
You can enjoy being with your baby and miss adult conversation.
You can feel enormous love and also feel lonely.
One feeling does not cancel out the other.
There can be grief in becoming a mother — not because you regret motherhood, but because major transitions can involve leaving something behind.
And sometimes the person you miss is you.
Be gentle with the person you are becoming
Matrescence isn't something you need to complete or get right. It is a transition to move through, and every woman's experience of it will be different.
Try to notice the expectations you are carrying. Pay attention to the word should. Notice when you are comparing your experience with somebody else's.
And perhaps when the thought "I should be coping better" appears, try replacing it with:
"Given everything that has changed, what do I need right now?"
Maybe it is rest. Practical help. Connection. Time to yourself. A conversation with somebody who understands. Or perhaps a space to talk honestly about how becoming a mother has affected you.
Because mothers need care too.
If this resonates with you...
If becoming a mother has felt more complicated than you expected, you don't have to make sense of it all on your own.
I have a particular interest in supporting women through matrescence and the emotional and psychological changes that can come with motherhood. I offer individual counselling and psychotherapy, as well as The Mother Circle — a gentle, psychotherapy-led space for mothers and their pre-crawling babies to connect, reflect and feel supported through this transition.
Sometimes, simply having a space where you don't have to pretend you're finding it all easy can make a difference.
You were never meant to do motherhood alone.
